Goodbyes are the hardest.

I haven’t been able to find the words to fill this space, so I haven’t posted. I’ve left it blank, like how I feel.

Just under two weeks ago, my beautiful, strong and amazing aunt passed away. She fought her battle with cancer as hard as she could.

She was diagnosed over a year ago, and I’ve been figuring out lately that no matter how long you have to prepare for losing someone you love, no amount of time is enough.

There is peace in knowing that she is no longer in pain, that she was at peace before she left this earth, and that she is with Jesus.

But that peace still doesn’t make any of this easier.

After a day of visitations and a funeral, I observed just how loved she was.

Friends, coworkers and family all flooded in and out continually. They stared at 600 photos of my beautiful, photogenic aunt, and shared stories, hugs and many tears.

As I type this, tears overflow my eyes and my heart breaks all over again.

I still feel like I can text her, send her prayers, and tell her how much I love her. But I know they’ll be unanswered.

I can still hear her voice, and all the advice she gave me when my first marriage fell apart and ended in divorce. She stood by me, supported me, and loved me through it all. She showed up to my second wedding when so many didn’t.

I can still hear her laugh, and feel her hug. I can still see her strength, in her son and daughter. I can still close my eyes and remember it all.

I hope those things never go away.

She was the glue that held our massive family together, and just like she always did…she brought us all together to celebrate her life.

It still doesn’t feel real, and maybe it never will.

But I’ve realized that life is too short to sit here and watch it pass by. She wouldn’t want us to cry for days like we have (or maybe it’s just me)…she’d want us to be giving all of ourselves to those around us. She’d want us to be loving fiercely, going on adventures, planning parties, decorating for Halloween, taking road trips and biking for hundreds of miles and taking care of our bodies.

She’d want us to be strong. Even though we feel so weak.

She’d want us to smile and celebrate. Even though all we want to do is cry.

She’d want us to be the best versions of ourselves. Even though without her in our lives, we feel much less than that.

So through the tears, I’m going to try to pick myself up, dust off my bike and ride on. I’m going to see family more and make efforts to spend more time with those I love. I’m going to decorate for Halloween even though it terrifies me. I’m going to be present more because that is what people remember when you’re gone. I’m going to keep reminding myself that she’s the lucky one…she’s with Jesus already and nothing in the world is better than that.

So until we see you again, Auntie, we’ll be seeing you in the rainbows and sunrises, we’ll be reminded of you in candy bars and bikes, we’ll be cherishing the memories we have with you and looking forward to our time on the New Earth with you. And we will always be loving and missing you.

So much.

See you soon.

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6 thoughts on “Goodbyes are the hardest.

  1. Monica,

    You’re not the only one. I struggled getting through Meijer for groceries on Saturday because all that Halloween “crap” (because on Saturday I just couldn’t embrace it all) was staring me in the face. All day long I sat and cried and moped. I know she’s mad at me for doing that but I just needed the day to be melancholy.

    We are allowed. She was amazing. That’s how this tremendous loss affects us on certain days.

    Much Love,
    Stacey

    Liked by 1 person

    • Stacey—
      I’m so sorry 💔
      I’m glad I’m not the only one, even though I know she’d be mad…being without her is just so much to take. I’ve been having terrible nightmares lately where something bad is happening to me and she comes and saves me, or she’s just there sitting on my couch…it starts the process all over again.
      I keep telling myself it’s good I have two kiddos to chase around or I’d be laying in bed all day.
      So glad we have such a great family to get through all of this. Thanks for sharing your thoughts ❤️

      Love you!

      Like

  2. Oh my goodness, this was beautiful, emotional, and touching. I am so sorry for your loss. Cancer is beyond devastating and it takes from us those we love in a heart-breaking way. Sending hugs to you and praying that you continue to find peace and strength.

    Liked by 1 person

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