It’s taken me a very long time to realize that I’ve lost who I am.
Who is Monica?
A few weeks ago I woke up feeling numb. I’m not sure if I felt sadness, or darkness, or anything for that matter…I just felt blank.
I remembered back to 2013 when I was in counseling, going through a very dark time. The very first session, I was asked point blank, “Who are you?” I think my responses identified me as “someone’s wife” and “someone’s step-mom”, probably followed by “I don’t even know.”
She let me sit there for a minute and process the question more, then she said it.
“You’re Monica. You’re a Child of God. You don’t have to be identified as someone’s something. You are your own person. You are who God created you to be.”
Somewhere along the journey of life, I lost my way. I forgot, that above all else, I’m God’s daughter, and I’m Monica, and I get to be other things, too.
I’m not just Jon’s wife. I’m not just Zeke and Charlie’s mama. I’m not just a friend, just a daughter, just a photographer and blogger…
Which leads me to this post.
The day after I woke up feeling numb, I went to church. I was greeted by the worship leader after the service, and in casual conversation about having a heart for worship, the Spirit moved inside of me. I joked about “too bad I’m not a good singer, otherwise I’d join the worship team.” To my surprise, they were looking for new team members and I was asked to pray about it.
By the time we got home that day, I felt like God was saying so boldly, “YOU HAVE A PURPOSE! BELIEVE IT! YOU NEED TO DO THIS.” With encouragement from my husband and best friend, I made the commitment.
I joined the worship team at church!
Writing band-practice dates on the calendar made me so happy, because for almost three years, the only thing I wrote on the calendar was wellness check ups for the kids.
Was that all I was?
I’m not here to tell you that you need to join the worship team at church. I’m not here telling you that you need to do anything! I’m just saying this: YOU HAVE A PURPOSE.
You don’t need to wake up feeling numb or blank.
You can, but you don’t have to.
Instead, wake up remembering the truth. That you are a Child of God. That you have a purpose. That you’re not just a spouse, you’re not just a parent, you’re not just a friend, you’re not just a profession.
Do something for yourself to remind yourself that you were made for more than this (meaning that feeling of feeling nothing, burnt out, blank, numb, sad, depressed, anxious, or whatever this may be.)
I’m not sitting here telling you I don’t like being a stay-at-home mom. Because I adore my kids and I thrive on being their mom.
Just like everything in life, we go through seasons. Seasons we need to go through so we can grow through life. Seasons of darkness to remind ourselves that we need the light. Seasons where we must fall to our knees to remember that we need Jesus like we need our next breath. And seasons where we feel nothing, to remind us that we were born to feel something, we were born with a purpose, we were born to do God’s will, to trust Him and to allow Him to lead us where we need to be.
(Don’t miss this)
If you’re stuck in the mundane of motherhood (or any season in life)…don’t lose heart! This is only a season. Start today by reminding yourself that you’re not just a mom. Tell yourself that you can have passions and you can do things for you, you can go to work or you can stay home, you can chose the path that makes you feel like you have a purpose and it doesn’t matter what someone else says, because when you feel burnt out, it’s sometimes (or always) hard to be the best version of you.
Step outside your comfort zone, gain a new perspective, take a break…do something you wouldn’t normally do, do something that makes you feel refreshed and redefined, get out of your own head and do something for God, maybe just choose to BE STILL. Whatever you choose to do, let it light a spark in you that ignites something, to awaken you so you can be the best you, so you can say “I am Monica! I am exactly where I need to be! I am on a journey with God and He sustains me, He defines me, and He walks beside me through every season. And I get to be a wife and a mom and I get to raise these babes and I get to follow my dreams!”
Also remember this: you’re not alone, no matter how dark it is, no matter where your mind takes you. It’s never too dark, and “the night can only last for so long!”